Saturday, April 2, 2016

Anxiety

Anxiety...do you have it?  I do.  I'm just coming off of a major panic attack right now so I decided to blog about my anxiety.  What caused it this time?  I'm not exactly sure.  I just got off the phone with Josh and we were talking about some anxiety inducing things, haha. But nothing I felt bad or worried about.  At least I didn't think so.  But I guess maybe subconsciously it affected me more than I realized.  I got off the phone and all of the sudden my chest felt heavy, it became very hard to breathe, and I could feel the tears in my eyes.  Poor Grace was standing there wondering what was wrong and I was trying to explain that nothing was wrong really, I was just having an anxiety attack.  Really nothing was wrong.  I was not upset about anything.  Not worried about anything.  It's so confusing trying to understand sometimes what causes these attacks.  I haven't had one this bad in a long time.  Fortunately now I have a medicine I can take when I have one that helps bring it down.  I went and took a pill and laid down until my body calmed down.  

It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I realized that I had anxiety.  I knew I had something wrong with me when I had these attacks, but I never realized it was anxiety.  I guess until another family member started to describe her anxiety attacks I didn't know that is what I was having.  It was such a relief to finally have a name for what was going on with me.  Once I realized what it was I was able to look back at my life and see many times where I had an anxiety attack but just thought I was a little on the crazy side!  

One particular time that came to mind right away was a family wedding.  I was pregnant with number four at the time and very sick with pregnancy, as is the norm for me.  I was so overwhelmed.  So extremely overwhelmed.  I was sick and trying to manage getting kids to the hair salon, and dresses ironed, and other kids hair fixed, and just so many other things I can't even remember.  Well I was trying to manage everything and keep my super cool super mom image up, hehe.  By the time we got to the reception my body and mind were done.  One dirty look and a couple rude words from one person and I was DONE.  Seriously, DONE. I knew the tears were coming so I left quickly.  I thought I could go for a walk and calm down.  But nothing was helping me.  I couldn't go back in.  I ended up going back to the hotel room by myself.  It's crazy when I look back on it.  It was awful.  My emotions were out of control.  And at the time I couldn't figure out why.  It was only later that I could see how much stress I was under and how that is what caused it.  So I laid in bed at the hotel and seriously cried straight through until 2:00 in the morning when Josh came back.  Uncontrollable sobbing.  For what I thought was no reason.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I why I couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't sleep.  Nothing.  Now that I know what I know about anxiety, I can totally see that it was a massive anxiety attack.  Oh if only I had known then what I know now.  If only I could have had the medicine I have now.  But I didn't even realize until recently that that was an anxiety attack.  

There are more times, but that is the major one.  Another attack I had was when we first got into Wisconsin on one of our big family trips.  We were driving along this beautiful two lane road right along side a curving river.  Huge trees towering over us.  An absolutely beautiful drive.  But I started to panic.  Massively.  All of the sudden I felt trapped.  Like I would never get out.  I needed to see the sky and be out in the open!!  Then the tears started.  Not crying really, just tears flowing like crazy.  I seriously didn't know what to expect of Wisconsin, but I knew I could not handle this for five days!!  Thankfully it wasn't too terribly long before we came to a clearing at the top of a hill and I could finally breathe again!  I don't have issues in the mountains at all so it was strange how much this bothered me.  I think it isn't so much the towering trees and such, but more of the fact that I didn't know if I was ever going to get out of it!  

So those are a few of my anxiety issues.  Not really sure why I feel the need to share.  Not really even comfortable posting these things that are so personal.  I guess I just want to be honest.  Although my life is lovely and I am so blessed, I think it's important to share the real stuff.  The not so pretty stuff.  Because I think we all have it and I think it's ok.  

Feel free to comment and share if you have anxiety too.  

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